My daughter picked my grandson up from day care the other day and got a surprise.
My grandson loves day care. He can't wait to go play with his friends, and comes home with all sorts of stories about the fun he has. It is a delightful day care in a private home, and the other kids are mostly girls and almost all a year or so older than him. What's not to enjoy?
And because he is such a wonderful child, so well-behaved and smart and easy-going (I did mention he was my grandson, right?), my daughter was a little non-plussed when she arrived to pick him up the other day to find out he had spent part of the day in solitary.
Yes, he was on the receiving end of a time-out.
My daughter called him over. "Buddy, you got a time-out?"
He nodded, looking down at the floor.
"Why?"
"I bited Lily."
Now my daughter was aghast. "You bit Lily? You know you're not supposed to do that!"
He nodded again.
"But why? Why did you bite her?"
He looked up at his Mom, filled with remorse.
"We were playing Shark. I was the shark. I catched Lily. So I bited her."
Well.
Esteemed members of the Court of Appeal, I submit that this young man was unfairly charged with a crime, wrongfully convicted, and incarcerated for no good reason.
The facts of the case seem clear, I know. The defence stipulates that he did, on the date in question, bite the alleged victim. There is, to be sure, prima facie evidence of a heinous crime.
But if it please the Court, we live in a society governed by laws. And what are laws but rules? And if we are governed by rules, then surely if one plays by the rules of a game, one cannot then be punished simply because one played well enough that one catched another player and bited her.
The game was "Shark". Clearly that implies, nay demands, that one of the players be the Shark and all others the Prey.
Now, ladies and gentlemen of the Court, I ask you: he was a three year old boy vastly outnumbered by older girls. What are the chanceshedecided what game they would be playing, or what his role would be in said game?
I believe we all know the answer to that. I believe we all know that on a daily basis, his mother is lucky not to show up and find this poor young man dressed in doll's clothes with lipstick smeared on his face.
So if the defendant did not in fact choose the game, nor his role in it, can we reasonably expect that he would have a choice whether or not to follow the rules of said game? I submit that following the rules was expected, nay, demanded of him by the very girls who later cried crocodile tears when the outcome of the game was not what they hoped.
For what is a shark, if not an animal that bites? And what is prey, if the shark does not follow through with what is, after all, its essential nature? So if Shark bited Prey, I submit that those who designated the defendant as Shark and knowingly took on the role of Prey are, in fact, the responsible parties and, if catched, should reasonably expect they will be bited.
Ergo, pursuant to Common Law and the very principles of fair play, justice, and sportsmanship under which the alleged victim began the game, I make the argument to this esteemed Court that all charges against the defendant should have been summarily dismissed and that in fact, this case should never have gone to trial.
But go to trial it did, and based only on circumstantial evidence, including teeth marks and the tearful, inflammatory testimony of the alleged victim, my client was wrongfully convicted and was given the cruel and unusual punishment of a five minute time out.
Now, honourable members of this Court, we cannot undo what is done. That excruciating time my client spent in solitary confinement can never be regained, nor can the scars from this experience be completely healed.
But in the interests of justice, I ask this Court to clear my client of all charges. I ask that his conviction be overturned and his record, and his good reputation, be restored. And further, I ask that he be given a great big hug and perhaps an extra story at bedtime.
Esteemed Members of the Court of Appeal, the defence rests.
Christmas is coming! Nils Ling's book "Truths and Half Truths" is a collection of some of his most memorable and hilarious columns. Send a cheque or money order for $25.00 (taxes, postage and handling included) to RR #9, 747 Brackley Point Road, Charlottetown, PE, C1E 1Z3
