By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.Socrates
聽 聽 聽"There are three kinds of聽lies:聽lies, damned聽lies and statistics" (Mark Twain). When it comes to divorce statistics, there are lies that mislead. For example, everyone believes that 50 % of marriages end in divorce. Not so. The truth is more than 70% of first marriages succeed. Those who remarry more than once account for the 50% statistic cited earlier.
聽 聽 聽A more powerful statistic is cited by Father Wendelin Rolheiser, a long time participant in World Wide Marriage Encounter: 鈥渋f the couple is married in church and continues to go to church, only 1 in 50 fails; but where the couple is married in church, continues to go to church and has a prayer life together, the failure is 1 in 1005鈥�.
聽 聽 聽This happy fact should fill our churches with young families on Sunday mornings. Some churches are filled and teeming with this sacramental life. There are several other supporting conditions that make happy married life more probable.
聽 聽 聽Those who put in the effort enjoy success in Marriage: 鈥淭wo-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages improved within five years.聽 The most unhappy marriages report the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as 鈥榲ery unhappy,鈥� almost eight out of ten who avoided divorce are happily married five years later.鈥� (from 鈥淒oes Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages鈥�)
聽 聽 聽Psychologist Dr. John Gottman in 鈥淭he Love Lab鈥� 1986 showed that kindness and generosity are the key factors in sustaining a marriage. A 1990鈥檚 study by Gottman showed that a key element is how couples typically respond to each other. If the pair shows interest or support, they fair well in maintaining a good relationship. Not surprising, those who reacted with, 鈥楽top interrupting me, I鈥檓 reading鈥� did not fair so well.鈥�
聽 聽 聽Gottman, with his colleague Robert Levenson, studied thousands of couples to figure out what makes relationships work. The couples were asked to speak about their relationships. Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the聽masters聽and the聽disasters.
聽 聽 聽Among Gottman鈥檚 findings: Contempt鈥s the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it鈥檚 not there.
聽 聽 聽People who deliberately ignore the partner or respond minimally damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner鈥檚 ability聽to fight off viruses and cancers.
聽 聽 聽Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research shows that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.
聽 聽 聽The lesson is clear: If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often.
聽 聽 聽Psychologist Ty Tashiro聽says, 鈥淎 lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it鈥檚 executed poorly. So appreciate the intent.鈥�
聽 聽 聽Gottman鈥檚 study concluded that in most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.
聽 聽 聽鈥�Love is patient,聽love is kind鈥� It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres鈥� (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
