NHL
I told you Luongo would give Canucks fans the shakes. They made it past the Predators, but Luo was outplayed every night and Kessler willed the club to the next round. The twins were sleep skating.
Maybe it's those two fools in the green body suits that finally unnerved Nashville with their sexy gyrations? Why can't women ever find costumes like that? When fat men press their man-boobs against the penalty box glass it's funny, but when a woman does it suddenly we're exploiting the curves of the fairer gender. Mind you I can think of a few women I wouldn't want to see in those green suits.
Once again, publication-deadlines prohibit a complete breakdown on the NHL picture, but seeing Boston move on churns my stomach worse than sour borscht.Sure your bowel movements are colorful, but that novelty wears off by your seventh birthday. It seems as if half of the Flyers' roster was playing hurt but I warned you about Tim Thomas. Nobody hates Boston more than I do, but the Flyers run a close second, so who cares as long as there are lots of injuries?
Detroit survives to play a game seven against Thornton and the Marleau-less Sharks. My theory of Thornton choking has evolved into watching Marleau going into the corners like a shy Girl Guide selling her first box of cookies to a fat guy in his dirty underwear. You'd think they'd be used to my "casual dress" by now.
I have no interest in the outcome at this point. I am only shocked to hear that the Phoenix city council voted to break their own state's constitution by bailing out the Coyotes for one more year.
Twenty-five million dollars goes a long way towards social programs - especially while the club was second last in attendance and the average Arizona citizen's major concern about ice is how many cubes are in their cocktails on the 19th green. Shameful, but Atlanta drew about 900 more fans per game, so if the Winnipeg rink doesn't float away, they may yet get their wish.
MLB
So far Bautista is making me look bad, but the Blue Jays are as lousy as I said they'd be. They hold a one-game lead over the Orioles for their eventual spot in the cellar. Speaking of attendance, the Jays claim they are drawing about 22,000 fans per game, but I have it on good authority that about 9,000 of those seats are empty corporate giveaways.
The moaning I did about my aging Yankees is for real. Posada can hit .400 the rest of the way and still not finish above .240. Jeter has been heating up, but is worth exactly a quarter of what the brass are paying him and even Rivera blew two saves in April.
Some notable surprises would have to be the Cleveland Indians and their amazing record. My idea that the Twins faithful would desert them when the going got rough does not hold water. The Twinkies are fifth in MLB attendance and they flat out stink.
I hinted a couple of old guys might still have a heartbeat and as I type this, Alfonso Soriano leads the National League in homers and Paul Konerko is a couple off the lead in the American League home run race. Vernon Wells is hitting a .183 for the Angels and is currently on the 15-day disabled list for a groin issue. Usually it's the hip flexor that goes first when your wallet weighs too much.
Halladay is carrying the Phillies, but was just out dueled by Marlin's sensational Josh Johnson, who might be his biggest competition for the Cy Young. I have young guns like Clayton Kershaw and David Price on my fantasy team and happen to be running away from the pack on my ESPN team. Taking Andre Ethier after an average 2010 season is looking pretty wise after his 30-game hitting streak and his power numbers haven't even kicked in. As usual - I rarely lose.
We won't talk about the Dodgers because my narrative will only drift over to divorce again and we're all sick of that. The league is running the club while the owner's wife wants her fair share of the batting helmets.
NBA
Seeing the Lakers go out with a whimper was worth it just for the post-game press conference with coach Phil Jackson. Seems we both like our cactus collection. Dallas is no match for either the Bulls or the Heat. Notice how I left out the Celtics?
That's what you get when you come from Boston. Take Miami and have fun watching Derrick Rose shred the Heats' defence like pulled barbecue pork off of a perfectly cooked roast.
CFL
Two players will make immediate impacts with their respective clubs.
Winnipeg's stud linebacker Henoc Muamba and Calgary's gifted wide out Anthony Parker. Both positions become huge bonuses to the US import ratios when you can fill them with Canadians.
For your information: my 40-yard time was faster in 1973 than anyone in this year's draft and yet my phone never rang. I think I could still play three or four more years, I'd go at least until I'm 60. I haven't dropped a pass since I was six when my father threw a bottle of Bohemian beer instead of the pigskin I was expecting. I drained what was left and haven't looked back since - except for switching brands.
