聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 I got my first Transformer for Christmas in 1983.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 He was a little red Ferrari named Cliffjumper, one of the first 19 Transformers to hit the North American market.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I don鈥檛 remember what else I got that year, but I clearly remember that one, precious toy. Of the very first release of the toys, I ended up with Brawn, Huffer, Windcharger, and most importantly, Jazz, one of the coolest Transformers ever.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I grew up with Transformers, quite literally, and eventually had quite a few. I kept them all, and when my kids were old enough, I gave them my most treasured toys.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 To my chagrin, Spencer hardly played with them, and, since he has so many other toys, they were no big deal. But to me, they were always precious.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Back in the mid-80s I watched the original cartoons and bought and absorbed the original comics. I went to the original animated 1986 movie, where Optimus Prime died (a reoccurring theme, apparently). I might have cried, but can鈥檛 be sure.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Two decades later, in 2007, I sat, enthralled, in the first live action Transformers movie. The hair stood on the back of my neck during the closing credits as Linkin Park鈥檚 New Divide blared over the speakers on North Battleford鈥檚 Capital Theatre.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 That hair still stands up, every time I listen to that song, perhaps because I found that first movie to be phenomenal.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I am very much the demographic the Michael Bay-directed live-action Transformers movies have been targeted at. I grew up with them. I have kids now, and I am passing on my love of that toy line to them. And, on occasion, I even have disposable money. It鈥檚 guys like me that have made Transformers worth billions.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 So it grievously pains me to write that Transformers: The Last Knight, was possibly one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I attended it with Katrina, Spencer, and three of his friends in tow, and I was just aghast when I walked out of the theatre.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 If you haven鈥檛 figured it out by now, if you don鈥檛 want spoilers, stop reading, because I am going to trash this movie. Trash would be the kindest adjective I could give.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Through each of the previous four movies, the Transformers series has gotten progressively worse. Revenge of the Fallen wasn鈥檛 that bad. Dark of the Moon was actually pretty decent in some ways, but was getting bad in others. Age of Extinction was horrible.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 But The Last Knight was unbelievably, despicably, give-me-a-thesaurus awful. Michael Bay has got to go.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 There was no plot to speak of. From what I can determine, Bay made up a list of places he hasn鈥檛 filmed in and said, 鈥淥kay, let鈥檚 go blow some stuff up in each of these, and call it a movie. Why are we going there? Who cares?鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 For instance 鈥� the Autobots are hiding out in a junk yard in the 小蓝视频 Dakota Badlands, where we vacationed two months ago. Fair enough.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 But then the fight moves into a small abandoned town. Okay, got that. But in this town, suddenly there are 30-plus story abandoned skyscrapers 鈥� several of them 鈥� in a small town. But one of these abandoned ones has a working elevator 鈥� and I thought I saw a janitor, too. Why? Why not? We need people to fall of out buildings while 小蓝视频 chased by drones.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 And that鈥檚 not just typical Michael Bay trashing. I liked Pearl Harbour. I might be the only person to admit it, too.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 This movie was supposed to tie up the loose end plot lines of why the Transformers are inexorably drawn to earth, but it does nothing of the kind.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 You can鈥檛 ignore the Megan Fox clone. Fox, who burst into stardom in the first movie, called Michael Bay 鈥淗itler鈥� after making the second, and was suitably canned. But this time, in picking his eye candy, he dumped the blondes and went for a clone of Megan Fox named Laura Haddock.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Of the roughly 3.5 billion women on this planet, he had to find an indistinguishable clone. Trust me 鈥� I put pictures of the two side-by-side just to be sure. She鈥檚 a clone.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 There are reports that many, many more Transformers movies are planned. They need to just stop. This Astrotrain has run out of steam. Reboot it, or leave it be. I don鈥檛 know how they could make it any worse, but if Bay remains, they probably will.
