鈥淗ello, Newport News Shipyard? I鈥檇 like to buy an aircraft carrier.
鈥淣o, I鈥檓 not joking. I represent the Canadian government. I would like to buy a Ford-class nuclear powered aircraft carrier. You know, the one with the fancy-schmancy electromagnetic catapults and arresting wires. Not one of those old Nimitz-class ones. They鈥檙e soooo 1970s. I want a 21st-century carrier.
鈥淵es, I know it鈥檚 nuclear-powered. We mine uranium in Saskatchewan, remember? We can handle that.
鈥淲hat鈥檚 the cost you say? US$13 billion? That鈥檚 about C$17 billion? Okay. I鈥檒l just keep talking Yankee Doddle Dandy money here so we don鈥檛 get confused, then convert to Monopoly money at the end, eh?
鈥淰ery good. Okay, so, like, when I go buy my pickup, they always have these bells and whistles, so can you tell me what those might be? Oh, yes, planes. I might need some of those. About 75, you say? And you call that an air wing? I thought those older Nimitz carriers carried 90 planes. Don鈥檛 need that many anymore? Okay, fine, 75. I might get a few more. Where do I get them from? Call Lockheed Boeing and Grumman, then call you back about some of the other stuff I might need, like floor mats, undercoating and escort vessels? Okay. Be right back.鈥�
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鈥淗ello Lockheed? I鈥檓 from the Canadian government. I was just talking to your good buddies down in Newport News about buying a new carrier, and they tell me I need some planes, so I should call you first about some F-35Cs. Yeah, I need 36. That鈥檚 right, 36. Yes, I know that鈥檚 about half of what Canada was talking about buying for the whole country, but we want this to be a gooder, so give me the full 36. Three squadrons. Right. US$121 million a pop, eh? So that鈥檚 $4.4 billion, give or take? Okay, put us down for 36.
鈥淥h, and you now own Sikorsky, too, right? I need 19 of those Seahawk helicopters. No, not those piece-of-crap Cyclones you sold us. Seahawks. Got it? R and S models. About US$45 million each? About US$855 million total. Okay, put me down for that. I might have to get back to you, cause I鈥檓 buying some escorts that will need choppers, too. Okay, bye.鈥�
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鈥淏oeing, old buddy! Yeah, it鈥檚 me, your Canadian hoser. Yeah, that guy. Remember we got all pissy about that Bombardier C-series tariff thing? Well, we鈥檙e over that, and we need some Super Hornets. Yeah, that鈥檚 right, the whole shebang 鈥� F-18E, F and G models. That鈥檚 right, G for Growler. I want a couple 12-plane squadrons of E鈥檚 and F鈥檚, and another five Growlers. How much? US$70 million each? So that鈥檚 US$2 billion? Okay. Get 鈥榚m to me quick and we鈥檒l throw in a case of Crown Royale. Later, gator.鈥�
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鈥淕rumman! How鈥檚 it going? I鈥檓 calling from Canada. We鈥檇 like to buy some of your planes. Yes, I know it鈥檚 been a very long time since Canada flew Grummans off a carrier. We鈥檙e trying to make up for that now. We need four E-2D Hawkeyes and two C-2 Greyhounds. You say they鈥檙e US$176 million and US$40 million a crack, eh? US$784 million. Okay. Get 鈥榚m here quick.
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鈥淥kay, Newport News, you said you had some escorts for me? You can relay a message to your other division of Huntington Ingalls in Maine? Okay. We鈥檙e going to need some escorts for a carrier strike group. I guess we can鈥檛 get anymore of those Ticonderoga Class Aegis cruisers, so we鈥檙e going to keep it simple and use Arleigh Burke Class Aegis destroyers instead. No, I don鈥檛 want any frigates, that鈥檚 the whole reason we鈥檙e in this mess in the first place. How many do I need? Five? At US$2.2 billion each? Done. And I need two choppers each? Okay, I鈥檒l call Lockheed back and add them.
鈥淎nd you say I might want a couple of subs for escorts. How about the ones we already have? Too slow, eh? Okay. I鈥檒l call Electric Boat.
鈥淵es, we have a new supply ship. We鈥檙e good, but thanks for offering.鈥�
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鈥淓lectric Boat? Yeah, Canadian government here. We need two Virginia-class subs. How much? US$2.7 billion? Done. Build 鈥榚m, please. Yes, we鈥檙e polite that way.鈥�
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Muttering to self: 鈥淥kay, carrier, US$13 billion; air wing, US$8.5 billion; surface escorts, US$11 billion; sub escorts, US$5.4 billion. That comes to US$37.9 billion. We鈥檙e going to need some bombs and bullets for all this, so let鈥檚 throw in another, oh, US$6 billion. That should cover it. So about US$43.9 billion gets a new and fully armed carrier strike group. What鈥檚 that in Canadian? C$56 billion.
鈥淎nd the Royal Canadian Navy figures it鈥檚 now going to cost us C$60 billion, give or take, for just 15 surface combatants, i.e. big frigates or small destroyers.
鈥淪omething鈥檚 not right here鈥�.鈥�
