聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 Yep! That鈥檚 me, a back-seat driver. It has taken many years for me to become a back-seat driver.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I鈥檝e earned the title by default. Our family physician (what the hell does she know) completed a questionnaire issued by SGI, the provincial insurer and driver license issuer, and poof, there went my license, temporarily suspended pending updated medical information. Just like that.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I鈥檓 now relegated to offer 鈥減rudent鈥� driving advice to Marion.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 In all fairness, she鈥檚 a good driver, and I catch some snooze time occasionally when she鈥檚 driving.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 But when I鈥檓 awake, I have been known to cover my eyes, grimace, hold my breath and roll my eyes, followed by a snicker. But she usually ignores these antics, telling me to grow up.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 The urban dictionary defines a back-seat driver as a person who offers the driver unsolicited advice or criticism. That鈥檚 me. I鈥檓 not sitting in the back seat giving my advice. No! 聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I鈥檓 right up front in the passenger seat. My real duty is to be the navigator, as we do not have a GPS. That by itself is hilarious.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I Google our destination before we leave home, print out the map and directions, bring them along and then totally ignore them. It has at times created some tension between us, but for the most part we鈥檝e had some good laughs about it.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 It鈥檚 a good thing that Marion is now the driver, because when I was driving, she complained that sometimes I was snoring so loudly that it scared her.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 One time when I was driving, I had our little granddaughter Casey with me, strapped in the child seat behind me. Driving through our small town of Wilkie, the driver ahead of me braked suddenly. I stomped on the brake, causing a sudden forward motion for both me and Casey.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淗oney!鈥� hollered Casey.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淲hy do you say that Casey?鈥� I asked.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淏ecause that鈥檚 what gramma says when you stop sudden like that.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 We have to be careful around Casey. She picks up what we adults do. Just recently she put both her hands on her hips, cocked her head to the side, looked at me and said in a sombre voice:
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淧appa! You eat your cherries and leave my treats alone.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Grandchildren are a delight, aren鈥檛 they?
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I heard tell of another senior driver, who also had a medical problem. Anne was sitting outside in a lawn chair enjoying a mystery book, when 80-year-old Ole startled her by crashing his Ford through the hedge and coming to a rest right in front of her on the lawn. Ole was bug-eyed and shaking. Anne helped him out of the car and sat him down in another lawn chair.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淢y oh my,鈥� exclaimed Anne. 鈥淵ou are quite old to be driving.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淵es indeed,鈥� said Ole. 鈥淚鈥檓 so old now that I don鈥檛 need a driver鈥檚 license anymore.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淲hat?鈥� asked Anne. 鈥淵ou mean you don鈥檛 have a valid driver鈥檚 license?鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淣ope,鈥� said Ole. 鈥淭he last time I went to see my doctor, he did a thorough examination, then he looked me in the eyes and asked if I still had a driver鈥檚 license. When I told him I still had one, he asked to see it, whereupon he took out the scissors and cut it up saying that I don鈥檛 need it anymore, so I thanked him and left.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I suggested to Marion that I could do that as well, but she didn鈥檛 think it would be a good idea.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Captain Sven Hansen from the Norwegian army was pulling up to the gate of a secret camp in Canada. The sentry said:
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淧lease identify yourself, sir.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Sven pulled out a mirror, looked at his image in the mirror and said:
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淛a shoor ja betcha! Dat鈥檚 me.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 The sentry shook his head and demanded his credentials.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Lena, a natural blond, was going to drive to the local shopping mall, but as soon as she sat in her car, she grabbed her cell phone, called the police and said:
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淪ome thieves have been in my car. They鈥檝e stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel including that thingy that makes the funny 鈥榯ic tic鈥� noise, the brake pedal is gone and they鈥檝e even taken the gas pedal.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 And then she started to cry. The desk sergeant was about to assign the case to a couple of constables when the phone rang again. The sergeant recognized Lena鈥檚 voice as she said:
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淣ever mind, I鈥檓 sorry to have bothered you, but unfortunately I got in the back seat by mistake. Sorry!鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Lena started driving towards the shopping mall, and then suddenly, she started swerving from side to side. Knut was driving behind her, and thinking something was seriously wrong, he called the police on his hands-free cell phone, telling them about the car swerving from side to side. A patrol car pulled up along side of Lena, and made her pull over to the curb. Lena rolled down the window, smiled at the police officer and said:
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淥h officer, I鈥檓 so glad you鈥檙e here. I saw a tree on the road, and I swerved to miss it, then I saw another tree and I had to swerve again and avoided hitting it as well. Then all these trees just kept popping up in the street.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 The police officer looked at her, smiled and said:
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淢a鈥檃m, that鈥檚 your pine tree air freshener.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Lena had to take another driver鈥檚 test and got eight out of 10. The other two guys jumped clear.
